For most men, the first tip in relation to women is, get your head out of underwear (yours and someone else’s) long enough to determine some key criteria.
1.Where were you when you met? If you were both at a program for improvement, you may be beneficial to each other at the start, offering encouragement and support, but then develop into a co-dependant/self-sabotaging tag team. If it was at your workplace, what happens if expectations aren’t met? You will encounter more thanrelationship problems, and who wants to take work home with them, unless they truly lovewhat they do?
2. What condition were you in when you met–drunk, depressed or outright desperate? All of these are red flags for “go slow,” since that extremely sweet, slightly-neurotic pole dancer may turn out to be the stalker from hell. Jokes aside, if you are finding fulfillment in your life in other areas, any woman you attract will be attracted to you for that very reason. You don’t “need” her. She is a pleasant add-on and therefore comes without the responsibility for your well-being. Bonus!
3. Who are you? Do you actually know what you want? Are you just passing the time, chewing up years and seeing what happens? Get clear on the man that you are–your ideals, integrity, desires and dreams. As you become clearer on yourself, you will also have a clear preference for what will match you and then automatically find yourself among others who share your interests and values. Birds of a feather do flock together, and this is the easy way to selectively sift the unwanted from the wanted. It can be cute to see a piglet sitting next to a duckling, and both have great attributes; however, as a pairing for life their natural desire for particular lifestyles will pose problems. I’m not calling any of you pigs or sitting ducks; however, I am sure you understand the analogy. It’s really not rocket science. This golden advice has been around for eons and is pertinent to all areas of life: Know thyself!
4.Why do you want a relationship? I can guarantee that if you want a woman to fill the gaping, empty unfulfilled void that is your life, you will be attracting many Miss Wrongs, as you yourself will be very wrong. Two wrongs are not going to make a right, even though at first they will have much in common. If you discover that your common ground is based onproblems that both of you are facing–major warning. Danger. Stop. If, however, you share a passion and a direction of movement toward positive solutions, you will have more success. If it is something you seem to have developed and fallen into, oops! You’ll be single three months later. This is a kind of “relationship accident.” You should choose to spend time together not because it’s obligatory, but because it offers you genuine enjoyment andpleasure. “Fun” is the key word here, together with “established trust” and then “intimacy.” All of us only want what we want for the fun of it. After it’s not fun, we may still share history. One person in the relationship will then be the light to the other, reminding them what fun is and what an inspiring, enjoyable person they already know them to be.
Most relationships will take turns through a dark, stormy cloud. It’s when the dark, stormy cloud becomes a monsoon and grows to epic proportions that you discover, all too late, that this is the (so very, very) wrong woman. Nip it in the bud. Be aware of life’s red lights and go-slows. Look at her other relationships, both previous partners and current friends and family. If there is a trail of drama, do not be too surprised, as you don your white knight’s outfit, to discover that you have become debris left behind on the trail. There are always indicators that someone is not “all that;” however, keep your attention on what you enjoy. You will find that it may not be this particular woman; however, with over 90 million singles in the United States alone, and a lot of them women, the odds are on your side that one of them is your Miss Right, even if she’s not Miss Right Now!
Relationship Coach Rose T.