Save Your Relationship By Learning How to Pick Your Battles.

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You learn a lot when you become part of a pair. When you get into a relationship, things that never made sense to you when you were single start to become a little more clear. I’ve learned a lot from being in a new relationship. Though it’s only been a few months, I feel like I’m maturing, learning, and growing every day.

We all know that as we grow older, we gain life experiences. We make mistakes, and then we learn the lessons. I’ve definitely tried to take all the lessons I’ve learned from past relationships and used them to my full advantage. In my new relationship, I’m basically trying not to be an idiot. I make a conscious effort everyday to evaluate how I am behaving in my relationship.

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Being in a relationship is one of the most wonderful, joyful, and life-affirming things there is. When I’m in love, nothing can be too terrible. The sun’s pretty much always shining. But there is a flip side to this. Relationships are also stressful, complicated, and probably one of the hardest things to get right in life. Relationships are filled with anxiety and pressures and over-thinking. I’m ridiculously happy in my relationship, don’t get me wrong, but we have our days.

You know, those days.  Everything they do annoys you. You take everything they say the wrong way. You just cannot get in the groove. You bicker. You fight. You roll your eyes. Your defenses are up, and you’re ready for battle. A few years ago, I would have fought every single little fight on days like that. I would have taken offense to something so petty and unintentional and turned it into World War III.

Aren’t we all a little guilty of this? Sometimes we pick fights for attention (negative or otherwise). Sometimes it’s out of boredom. Sometimes it’s because we’re actually hurt and want to get it all out in the open. We choose to fight to test the waters. How much can this relationship handle? How strong are we? Let’s fight and see! Looking back, I have no idea why this behavior was ever an option. These days, I’m doing things differently. I’m learning to pick my battles.

Picking your battles takes patience and critical thinking. It means looking at the situation you’re in and really analyzing it. You have to think about the real reason why you’re about to start this fight. Is it really something worth arguing about? Are you just being mad to be mad? Are you even slightly affected by this situation?

It is so easy to get into the routine of arguing when you’re comfortable in a relationship. You fight for the passion because coupled life has gotten dull. You fight for the entertainment of it. You fight for the anticipated makeup. We pout and “get mad” for the attention that we know our partner will give us back. We test our partners. We push them to see how much they’ll push back. We all do this, but I have learned that you can have that passion without having to fight and argue. You be reassured that your significant other loves you in other (healthier!) ways.

Before you open your mouth and know you’re going to say something that might start a fight, ask yourself these questions: Is this really something that is going to affect my life? Am I even mad about this? Is this worth my time? If your answer is no to all or any, then say nothing. Close your mouth. Don’t pick this battle. Let it the hell go. Spend that time you’re wasting being angry and use it to better your relationship. If you’re actually upset, address the situation, talk it out and then let it go. There is nothing worse for a relationship than beating an argument to death. You’re both going to be exhausted by the time you go over the whole argument for a fifth time. All you’re doing is wasting your precious time!

Sometimes when I’m pouting and “mad” at my boyfriend, I will think to myself, “At this very moment, I am wasting our time—our time as a couple, our time as separate people.” The moments I spend silent and grumpy are moments that I could be using to talk to my boyfriend, laugh with him and love him. Why am I throwing away time with him that could be spent in better ways?

That is always the reality check for me.

I’m sure there are many things that your significant other does that may bother or annoy you, but how many of them truly affect you in a negative way? Remember that your boyfriend or girlfriend is not perfect. They are going to make mistakes. They are going to say things you don’t like. They’re going to disagree with you. They’ll disappoint you. And you will do all of these things to them too. But if the love there then there shouldn’t be room for unnecessary arguments. Rather than jumping the gun and starting a fight, take a breath . Think critically. Hold your tongue. Fight less, love more.

Urban

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