Men and women may belong to different worlds, but it’s only natural for us to try and bring these two separate universes together to experience experience bliss in our relationships. We have compiled two lists for you: 1) of what men themselves think they should probably stop doing in the name of healthy love and relationships, and 2) of habits, fashion decisions and other things men do that, women say, drive them crazy (in a bad sense). Dear readers, feel free to complete the list with your own suggestions!
1. Getting philosophical during “cuddle time.” Easy there, Chinua Achebe, enjoy the silence. Wait til later to discuss morals behind death penalty.
2. Watching TV, reading, surfing the interweb and/or listening to music during an important conversation. Listen to what she says and recite the highlights (and a detail or two) of what she just said! She will be pleased.
3. Leaving your shirt on during sex. There is nothing stranger than a man wearing nothing but a shirt, unless that man is also wearing sneakers and a hat.
4. Claiming not to have a girlfriend. Do you spend money on her? Has she met your friends? Have you had sober sex on several occasions? Do you spend the night together? Do you take meals together at restaurants? Are you doing the same stuff with anyone else? Yeah, she’s probably your girlfriend, so acknowledge that fact and make some introductions.
5. Not understanding the value of cut flowers. Paying money for something that is going to be all wilty in like three days seems crazy. Sometimes rooms need a little brightening, just go with it, OK?
6. Saying “You had me at ‘hello”’ or “You complete me” with anything that approaches sincerity. Be honest with people in general.
7. Showing improper levels of jealousy. Some jealousy is good, natural and a bit flattering. Driving four hours to punch Peter Okoye in the neck is cause for concern.
8. Solving every problem. Sometimes men are supposed to just listen and empathize. Even if a solution is slapping you in the face, just listen. Maybe give advice if the same issue constantly comes up. Maybe.
9. Not taking the bait from an obvious attempt to fish a compliment.Compliment fishing, like fishing where people are swimming, is pretty annoying, but sometimes your lady needs a few kind words.
10. Taking numbers that you don’t plan on calling. Honestly, is getting a whole mess of numbers still cool? Was it ever?
12. Trying to look too cool in front of your friends. Yes, yes, bros are for life, they come before women. But if you’re mean to her in front of your buddies, they will not respect her. Keep in mind that the last time it was OK to be casually mean to your girlfriend was the summer of 1999.
“Guys, we love you,” our women begin with sweet smiles. “You make our hearts swoon, you’re the fathers of our children, you are advisers, companions and friends, but there are certain gender-specific things you do that drive women nuts. For example, leaving the toilet seat up? We know this is a clichéd male complaint, but seriously. It’s rude. Your momma raised you wrong if you find it hard to flush and lower before leaving the bathroom.”
1. Scratching yourself in public.
2. Whistling at us. This works for getting a dog’s attention, not a woman’s.
3. Making dangerous gentleman’s wagers (this includes credit card roulette with our “joint” bank account and eating five pounds of steak to prove a point).
4. Refusing to dance when sober… then refusing to leave the dance floor when drunk.
5. Describing your bowel movements and/or trying to show us your efforts while they’re still in the toilet.
6. Referring proudly to any accomplishment you make in the virtual world, including the mention of Facebook friend totals.
7. Thinking birth control is not your responsibility.
8. Thinking that it’s not a meal if there’s no meat involved.
9. Making bad household decisions, such as shoving sweaty socks under the couch, inviting the guys over to watch a football match without telling us and “pleaning”—cleaning something so poorly we’re prompted to say “Man, this was a piss-poor cleaning.”