The letter was written from Arsene Wenger’s parody account on twitter, so kindly take it with a pinch of salt.lol. I enjoyed it, you should too.
I must say, you manage to show every year consistently consistent consistency to come back on loan from Lapland and deliver presents to everybody around the world. To do that, all in one night – to reach every house, on a limited budget, having built a new stadium – is absolutely outstanding. I believe it takes tremendous spirit, a fantastic attitude and efficiently efficient efficiency.
I have never once in all the years heard you mention your sleigh suffering a small handbrake niggle, or your reindeers lacking little bit petrol in the tank. It is an exceptional record. Will I give you another two-year contract? Well, err, I don’t know about that. I believe in your quality but you are over 30 years old now. Even Dennis Bergkamp accepted only one-year deals.
Have I been good this year? Yes, I believe I have, but I don’t want to comment on individual months. I must tell you, it has not been an easy time. A neighbour complained that I was in little bit “negative spiral” at work, but I don’t have to justify every decision. It was a difficult period.
The attention was little bit un-com-fort-able, but I did not want to comment on speculation. I must tell you, I felt the criticism was little bit harsh, because apart from losing matches, not scoring goals and minding little bit gap, there was not a lot in it. We had to work super, super hard to show our quality and to achieve our targets. The neighbour who made the accusation has recently found his own negative spiral and has been sacked.
What would I like for Christmas? Well, err, I would like please the same present that I ask you for every Christmas. Maximum points. We face some very difficult matches now but we want to do well. We are up for it. I still feel it is little bit too early to talk about winning the championship, especially as everybody tells me that we cannot do it. Is it fair for Alan Shearer to say that? I don’t know. I don’t know Shearer.
Would a guarantee of definitely finishing above Tottenham be a welcome extra present? Well yes, that would be nice thank you, but Tottenham are already the gift that keeps giving. Although, I must tell you, I do have some other small small requests, if that is alright. As you might have heard, we are suffering from little bit almost nine-year silverware niggle. Any help there would be exceptional, thank you.
So apart from winning the championship, the Champions League and the FA Cup please Santa, I don’t need much else. I already earn £7.5million a year and I am close to agreeing a new three-year contract. Maybe a new coat. Well, thank you for your interest in my affairs. I know you have many people to visit over Christmas but, from all at Arsenal Football Club, I can tell you we are immensely proud that you always wear your Arsenal colours. That red-and-white kit is outstanding.
When I sit down with my family for our grilled chicken and broccoli on Christmas Day, I will remember the fantastic work you have done Santa for this club, over the years. Apart maybe from Lehmann’s sending-off against Barcelona.
Although perhaps you did not see the incident.