Relationships – What’s Your Love Language?

There are a myriad of ways to express love—from diamond earrings to poetry to a timely pat on the back. Everyone has different ways of showing how they feel, and it’s valuable to know not only your own methods of demonstrating love, but also how others close to you do it.

So what’s your native tongue? The Five Languages of Love are:

1. Words of Affirmation: You use words to affirm your feelings. That doesn’t mean you’re a poet—it can be as simple as being in the habit of telling someone when they look nice, or when you appreciate something they did for you. “You may speak it, write it or sing it, but your love language is one of words,” says Dr. Chapman.

2. Acts of Service: You cook a meal for your partner. Wash dishes. Vacuum. Walk the dog. Anything you know the other person would like you to do. This is the “actions speak louder than words” language.

3. Receiving Gifts: This universal expression of love that runs through all cultures is very important to some people. “It’s not about the size of the gift,” says Dr. Chapman. “It really is the thought that counts, as long as the thought results in a tangible gift for your partner.”

4. Quality Time: Sitting on the couch watching TV together doesn’t count, even if you’re streaming a full season of “Mad Men” and exchanging glances about Don Draper’s hijinks. “Quality time means undivided attention—eye contact, listening, interacting,” says Dr. Chapman. Put the magazine down. Close the laptop. Hide your phone.

5. Physical Touch: Everything from holding hands to kissing, from an arm around the shoulder to face touching, holds big emotional power for people who speak this language. “Affirming touches, like putting a hand on your partner’s leg while driving, are huge signs of love for some people,” says Dr. Chapman.

Maybe you know right away which category you fall into, or maybe you’re not sure. Here are a few ways to figure it out:

“Ask yourself: How do I express love and appreciation to others?” says Dr. Chapman. Is it with a big hug or a pat on the back? With a thank you note? By taking someone out to lunch for a long conversation and catch-up? Each one of these speaks to a different love language.

Once you identify your love language, communicating it to your partner (and finding out what his or her language is) is key. Then it’s a matter of learning each other’s languages.

If you grew up in a home without affirming words and your spouse needs to hear those words to feel loved, for example, there’s a learning curve. But starting small—with simple sentences of appreciation like, “Thank you for getting the oil changed today”— can lead to big rewards in the love department.

Exploring how these languages work isn’t only important in romantic relationships. Think about all of the people you have connections with—siblings, parents, in-laws. Consider their love languages and how you can better translate warm feelings to them and appreciate the way they’re trying to share love with you. “You can identify these languages with everyone in your life,” says Dr. Chapman. “If it feels hard at first, it’s important to remember why you’re doing it: Because you want these people to feel your love.”

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