The 4 R’s of a Kick-Ass Apology. Tips To Stop Blame Shifting

imagesFIGHTMany people don’t “own up” to what they’ve done, even when confronted by evidence. Rather than looking at their mistake squarely, admitting they are wrong or have wronged another and apologizing for it, they’ll say or do whatever they can to avoid having to take responsibility for the pain they’ve caused.

The 7 BIGGEST MISTAKES most people often make when caught, confronted or confessing a wrongdoing:

Denying – basically lying.

Defending – looking for loopholes and making excuses.

Distracting – talking about anything and everything but the issue.

Saying, I’m Sorry BUT – giving an apology and then taking it away by trying to justify your actions.

Playing the Blame Game – attacking back by pointing fingers and assigning percentages, “While I may be to blame here, it’s at least 30% your fault.”

Hiding Out – hoping whatever happened will blow over and eventually pass.

Apologizing Insincerely – rushing to an apology, before you mean it, to escape punishment or disfavor.

These behaviors are all reactive, self-protective tactics of fear that add insult to injury, create emotional separation, distrust, communication breakdown and deeper damage to your relationship with yourself and the ‘injured’ party.
STOP Letting Your Fear Run the Show

If you’ve screwed up in some way — with your partner, your friend, at work or with anyone you care about — and you want to save your integrity and your relationship with them, there is a way to apologize that will calm the anger, rebuild the connection and reduce the likelihood of rigorous punishment or retribution later.

The 4 R’s of a Kick-Ass Apology

While I’ll frame my examples for a relationship mistake, this technique can be used for almost any situation where you want to repair and restore communication:

1. Take Responsibility for your actions.

For an apology to be effective, it must be clear that you accept full responsibility for your actions or inactions. After all, whatever you did, you didn’t mess up because your partner (boss, family member, friend) made you do it, you did it through your own poor choices. So it all starts with ownership. “This is my fault. “I made a huge mistake. I really screwed up. I’ve hurt you. I’ve hurt us. I am so sorry.”

2. Recognize and sincerely acknowledge the mistake you made.

Don’t be a drama queen or king by blaming yourself in an exaggerated way. Instead, recognize the harm you have done to your partner’s feelings and the stability of the relationship between you. Be constructive, not blaming. “I didn’t want to acknowledge the problems we were having in our relationship, and instead, I behaved badly, hurt you deeply, and have now created even bigger problems between us.”

3. Express Regret and Remorse about what you’ve done and the pain it caused.

This is the time to be sincere, sensitive and sympathetic of your partner’s pain.
“I know that you’ve trusted me and loved me. I recognize that my actions hurt and betrayed you and have undermined the sanctity of our relationship.”

4. Be prepared to provide Remedy and Restitution to give your partner what they need to feel safe and rebuild trust.

“I love you and will do anything to make it right again.” If your partner asks you to remedy the situation, don’t debate it or ask for compromises that will make things easier on you. Be sure to follow through with whatever you agree to.

Saying, “I’m sorry” with total sincerity using the 4 R’s can lead you down the path to forgiveness, repair of trust and more honest and intimate communication between you.

An Effective, Genuine Apology Holds a Deeper Lesson Within It

Whenever you are faced with a hand-in-the-cookie-jar moment, big or small, here is a good question to ask yourself before responding: “What would my BEST self do? The correct answer will always be… Grow up. Show up. Take responsibility for your actions and do the RIGHT thing.

Learning how to give an honest, sincere apology teaches you how to face the storms head-on, maintain your integrity, take power over your fear and renew the trust in your relationship and within yourself.

That’s a lesson with a BIG reward!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheri-meyers/the-4-rs-of-a-kick-ass-apology_b_4611815.html