Damnit Satan, don’t you know about roaming charges?
A Catholic priest in Poland apparently claims that the devil won’t stop with his unlimited hexes, according to the Austrian Times.
Father Marian Rajchel, from Jaroslaw, Poland, said he attempted to perform an exorcism on a teenage girl. Things went awry, yadda yadda yadda, now Lucifer won’t stop texting his phone.
The priest claimed that in one of the texts, sent from the phone of the supposedly possessed girl, the devil told him to give up trying to save her.
“She will not come out of this hell. She’s mine. Anyone who prays for her will die,” Rajchel said that Satan said.
“Shut up, preacher!” Satan furiously typed out. “You cannot save yourself. Idiot. You pathetic old preacher.”
When the priest replied, Satan allegedly got super fussy about it, according to News AU.
The priest has expressed concern over the ongoing texts from the devil, according to The Daily Mail.
“Clearly this young girl has been possessed, and needs further help,” he said.
Other text messages that Satan sent that we’re totally making up include:
“a/s/l? mine is ?????/?????/Underworld.”
“is it hot in here or is it just me? hahaha lol jk. no but for real it’s super hot down here.”
“favorite band? i like Hanson and Motorhead.”
“yo u talked to jesus lately? is he still pissed at me???”
“rager at Genghis Khan’s place tonight! u in?”
“lol every 1 is mad cuz i’m making them read the Twilight series.”
“dude plz respond im just trying to make some friends.”
A Weird News investigation revealed Satan’s Facebook page includes the quote “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best,” and a collection of really tacky selfies.
Seriously though, if God works in mysterious ways, Satan works in really, really lazy ones.