1. You say things like, “I don’t think we could make it there by noon on Saturday. That’s a little too early.”
2. You like your house to be clean and organized.
3. It takes you a while to realize that when your sister said three different people needed her assistance last night, at varying intervals, covered in their own feces, she wasn’t on a shift at a nursing home.
4. You believe that Pottery Barn Kid’s diaper changing tables are so expensive because they actually change the baby’s diaper for you.
5. You are confused to find out that you really can’t take a baby into a bar.
You see a haggard-looking woman with two kids in their pajamas and another screaming on the curb outside the grocery store and believe that she is homeless.
6. You think a case of diapers costs less than a case of beer.
You are not aware that there is a chance that terms like “cervix,” “mucus plug,” and “hooter hider” may be part of your daily conversation.
7. You think that when you hear friends-with-kids say they “Had a blast in Disney World!”, they are joking.
8. When you hear others complaining about potty-training issues with their 3-year-old, you boast how you had your dog potty-trained in three weeks.
8. You enjoy sitting down with your family and friends for a meal without screaming, crying, child-wrangling, cleaning peas out of bodily crevices or vomit.
9. You think only surgeons are capable of pulling a craft fuzzball out of a toddler’s nose with tweezers while scanning through the DVR.
10. You have mailed holiday cards with your pet in an outfit on more than four occasions.
11. You occasionally park in the “Expecting Mothers” spot at the store, stuff a sweater in your shirt, and run inside to buy vodka.
12. You enjoy sleeping.