This true life story was sent to and published by a Facebook user – Cynthia Valerian Raphaels
Read below and my opinion afterwards:
“Madam I feel so betrayed by my friend. I have a man I am dating and we have always got along with each other, eating fast food and he doesn’t complain. It is not that I can’t cook, but I can’t cook traditional foods at all. I cook light food, spaghetti and white yams and all that.
In my house we have cooks and my mother never cooked for my father, yet they are together. We were good to go till this my friend escorted me to my man’s house, we got there and there was no food and my man said we should go out and eat, but my friend said no, that she hates fast food, that if we can give her the money, she will go to the market and buy soup items, which my boyfriend gave her 7k and she went, bought soup and stew items, cooked and stored the rest in my man’s freezer, she helped me clean the house and did some washing, so after that we left. My man called me the next weekend that we should come cook for him. so that weekend, he gave us 25k and she bought three soup with banga for stew and that made us to sleep in his house and left the next day, Saturday afternoon.
I didn’t know when numbers were exchanged and they started talking at my back and she started going to his house without my knowledge. This my friend, she is always the last to pay departmental dues but since two years now, she pays before I even ask her not knowing my boyfriend is the person behind all her new development.
At the moment, we are in our final year and she is pregnant, she didn’t tell me, my boyfriend was the person that called me saying that he can’t marry someone that can’t cook, that he thank God that we haven’t been intimate at all, because he believes that no sex before marriage.
He said he is so sorry but he wish to settle down with my friend. Since one month now he said this to me, I have been sober, looks as if he never loved me. My friend too was living in my house all these while, I have told her to leave.
The worse part is that my boyfriend came to pick her with her belongings, took her to his house, where she now resides and my boyfriend’s driver brings her to school and wait till sh is done at school to take her back.
Her bride price will be paid this Saturday, so I heard.
Madam please Please let me ask please, a woman that can’t cook, can’t she be a wife material?
Help me ask the men in your forum, Men can’t you people marry a woman who can’t cook? I am of good character, if he loves me, he should have sent me to catering school. She is 24 years and I am 26 years, jamb messed me up that is why I entered school late and he is 34 years.”
Reading the above story caused a little argument between my friend and I, and I told her I was going to write about this. I am sure she is waiting to read.
Before stating my opinion, I will like to note that this relationship was never meant to lead to marriage and whoever the sender is should get herself together (as hard as it sounds) and move one. Your man is on the way.
Reading through comments on the post made clear how shallow minded many people are. Thinking is free but most times, we forget to think.
It’s sad that most people who read and reacted to the story above could only think of the fact that a woman should cook, a woman should know how to cook, a woman should be a cook, feminists are telling women not to cook and ruining a woman’s sole purpose in a marriage – cooking. All na cooking cooking cooking and I am wondering, warapin? Sadly, the sender also thought that way as all she really asked was about cooking.
I think it will be better to number my point, so stay with me. For Clarity, I will call the sender – ‘Lady B’, her friend – “Lady C’ and the man – Mr. A
1. Food/Cooking is not the reason he did not marry lady B and not enough reason for a man not to marry a woman: Lets note and understand that in marriage or any form of relationship, it involves two individuals from different backgrounds, coming together to co-habit and make things work. It takes a lot of understanding, love and communication to make any relationship stand the test of time. Lady B come from a home where her own mother did not have to cook.
Note that the inability of her mother to cook may not mean that she doesn’t know how to cook, it may simply mean that they have an understanding in their home and she just has other important things to do that leaving the cooking to a chef isn’t a big deal especially when the man in the house is totally fine by the arrangement.
Now, her not cooking did not break the home and if Lady B still talked about her parents and used them as reference then it’s safe to say the marriage is still very ok.
Also note that Lady B never said it is not her place to cook neither did I get that impression from her message. Mr. A never complained about it and was very comfortable with his relationship with Lady B until he saw something he thought he wanted or needed in his life in Lady C. which takes me to the next point:
2. Communication – the importance of communication in a relationship cannot be over emphasized. You have to communicate and make sure you are communicating. In my relationships, I do not fail to speak and be sure whoever I am speaking to understands what I have said. If as a woman, I expect you to do some of the cooking for me, help me in the kitchen or cook breakfast for me sometimes and you is not doing them, I put it to you direct. And I am happy to say I have never been with jerks. But have I gotten married to them? No! No be all boyfriend go turn husband. And this takes me to my 3rd point.
3. Be real – we are hypocrites and its sad that we take this hypocritical part of ourselves into our relationships. If you are or decide to be a hypocrite everywhere, when and where do you get to be real? Is being hypocritical and fake not exhausting? I dey ask o.
Now read this paragraph carefully:
“Now we are in final year , she is pregnant, she didn’t tell me, my boyfriend was the person that called me saying that he can’t marry who that can’t cook, that he thank God that we haven’t been intimate at all, because he believes that no sex before marriage.”
How do you believe in ‘no sex before marriage’ but Lady C is pregnant with your baby? How does that work? This simply shows that the relationship is one based on hypocrisy, fake lifestyle and lies. Or is there a new way of conceiving without sex? Don’t even mention IVF. The relationship is one filled with lies, deceit and show off, that they both – Lady B and Mr. A were not very sincere with each other or there was never a real discussion and if there was, someone wasn’t being real.
4. Lady C is not in love with Mr. B – This part of my opinion may not be true but this is how I feel. If Lady C accompanied Lady B to visit Mr. A who turns out to be poor and needy, will Lady C exchange contact behind Lady B’s back? Will she even encourage her friend to chill and grow with her own or tell her to find her level? Of course, she saw a man who was comfortably coughing out 25,000 for 3pots of soup – Husband material don plenty na. I feel it’s Mr. A’s loss and if he ever gets to face financial challenges in his life, Lady C will either leave his sorry ass or show him the true definition of pepper gang.
5. You were not just betrayed by your friend – you see, this is also what happens when a married woman catches her cheating husband in the act. They refuse to focus on the real culprit – the so called husband but put all the blame on the other woman. If Lady B has any thinking ability, then she should pick herself up and be grateful to God she did not end up with such man. You were not only betrayed by your friend – Lady C but also by Mr. A. It takes two to tangle. Lady B started a relationship with Mr. A who claims to believe in “no sex before marriage’ but was busy consummating other women (yes other women, I do not want to believe he was bedding Lady C by chance), this is not the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with because he will continue cheating. He is not going to stop. But what do I know? As most Nigerian women now believe every man cheats…sigh* Matter for another day sha…
6. You do not have to become a chef to get married – I saw some comments insulting her and pointing out why she should be a good cook to keep her husband and I shook my head. All you need to do is know the basics, once you do, there is nothing you cannot cook with the help of a friend, the internet and websites like my friend’s Nigerialazychef.com
Kindly erase the thought of being a full blown chef before getting married biko. As in every other thing in life, you learn more as you grow. A full grown human being, be you a man or a woman must learn the basics of cooking. That’s all that is needed. I hate hearing a woman is better at kitchen activities than a man. If that is the case, then why are most successful chefs in the world men? We all can do whatever we want to do except it is impossible by natural order, e.g. A man getting pregnant.
7. I do not believe in guarding a man jealously but… – I saw comments where people blamed Lady B for taking Lady C to her man’s home. If we were to be in a sane society, or if humans were not wicked than devil, I would not blame lady B for being very open with her friend.
However, we dey naija o, Lady B, even if she no know, she don dey watch Nollywood, why take a lady to your man’s house and then invite her the second time to cook 3 pots of soup for your man? Were you paying her for her services? If you were, were you being professional with her? Did your mother invite her friends to cook for your father? Common! If you can’t do the cooking then be professional about it. Order a pot of soup or call a professional cook to prepare the meals and bounce. It’s sad that it is that way but like I said, be happy you are not marrying this man because even if you do not invite her to your man’s house, he will meet someone else that’d still blow his mind with something as mundane as cooking.
HE IS NOT YOUR MAN! QED!