To understand how to say “no”, you need to completely rewire your consciousness, perception of the situation and return awareness, learn to understand what people surround you and what kind of relationship you build with them. To change your life, try to change your way of thinking. There are five steps that are sure to help.
Recognize the Cause of the Problem
If you wonder how to learn to refuse and tell people “no”, it means that you don’t have one of the important skills of social communication – the ability to assert personal boundaries. People who come to you, asking to borrow money, to work for them, to solve their problem. They dictate to you how to live and act, and believe that you are obligated to do what they need you to do. These are the ones who invade your boundaries.
And to be able to assert them, you have to answer yourself the question, “Who in my life has always violated my boundaries?” Is it some important person to you who you have not been able to fight back, who you have always agreed with, who has not expressed your true desires.
One of the reasons it’s hard to be a strong person is the fear of rejection, and it can be expressed in different ways:
- “I’m afraid I’ll be abandoned, they’ll stop talking to me if I say no, I can’t lend money, time, or effort.”
- “I am afraid that they will think bad of me, that they will think that I am bad because I can refuse,” as a consequence, “I will not be loved like this.”
- “I’m afraid I’ll disappoint other people” is the fear of thinking badly of yourself, that is, of considering yourself unworthy of love.
Even if you cannot say “no” to your colleagues, neighbors, or acquaintances, you should still look for the reason in some close person with whom you still have a strong emotional connection. That relationship isn’t complete, even if you are no longer in contact, but remain co-dependent.
Reconnect With Yourself
The second important step is to start listening to yourself. When someone asks you for something, wait for a favor before agreeing or saying no:
- Take a pause.
- Listen to your emotions.
- Gauge your body’s reaction as you think about the answer to the question.
- Understand whether you want to say yes or no.
- Act exactly on the basis of your desire.
Even if you help people but don’t want to, it’s not worth much. Actions that you do sincerely, out of an inner prompting, are valuable.
People find it difficult to say “no” because they have lost contact with their sensitivity. In the “here and now” moment, they have trouble figuring out what they want, the realization comes after the fact, with the thought of “I was used.”
A person strong in spirit isn’t the one who shows harshness, goes over her head, hurts others, but the one who is in harmony with his feelings, even if they are unpleasant for her. He’s not deceived by the fact that he’s always good, but he tries not to hurt others. At the same time, he protects his boundaries because he knows: by agreeing to what he doesn’t want, he betrays himself.
Look at the Situation Through the Awareness of Your Goals
To learn to say “no” without guilt, be aware of your goals and the price you pay for not being able to say no to others.
Before you answer a request, stop and think about whether the decision is consistent with your goals. If you have no desire to help another, to do him a favor, but do so only out of a sense of duty or fear of rejection, you are giving up your resources, time, money and energy for the benefit of the asker’s goals. At such times, you are serving someone else’s interests, giving him your energy instead of enjoying new sports, playing at a 22Bet login site, and trying things you really want to.
And the longer you can’t refuse, the fewer resources you have left to achieve your own goals, to realize your desires and needs. Before you lend someone your resources, think about the price you pay for it. Then you will realize that it costs less to say “no” than it does to say “yes”. After all, it’s the inability to say no that is one of the reasons why people don’t have the energy and strength to live, to fulfill their desires and to achieve their goals.
Call Things by Their Proper Names
Through words people involuntarily lose the essence of the situation. But words can be sobering and empowering. Once you start calling things by their proper names, you regain your awareness and can rationally understand what is happening now.
Walk away from the victim phrases:
- “I’m being used” – it’s better to say, “I’m letting myself be used because…”
- “I can’t say no” – “I’m not ready to say no because…”;
- “I need to help her even if I don’t want to” – “I’m giving her energy, part of my life.”
- “He should be grateful to me for helping him” – “I want some of the energy back through gratitude, but he doesn’t have to give it to me.”
The truth makes you stronger. And if you find the strength to say no, do it through the truth, too: don’t try to veil the word “no,” to justify yourself, to find a good reason. Be honest with the person and with yourself.
Change Your View of the Relationship
It’s important to give up the idea that someone can take advantage of someone. People around you may ask for your resources, but it’s always your choice to say no or accept them.
Those to whom one cannot say “no” are people who happened to be around for a reason. Your thoughts from the position of the victim draw them in. But having such an environment provides two opportunities. First, it’s thanks to them that a person learns to say “no”, they are in life for this purpose. The second is that when a person begins to say “no”, there is a change in the social circle, from which toxic people leave.
The only way to understand how to learn to say “no” is to recognize that refusals are an important part of life. People who value relationships won’t end them just because a person is no longer comfortable. Only those who have maintained communication for their benefit, to regularly lend other people’s resources, will leave.