Unless you plan on hiding out at home, there’s no escaping these nagging questions that relatives or family friends feel compelled or even entitled to ask within five minutes of walking through the front door. While it’s hard not to bristle and then throw out a sarcastic remark, there are better ways to handle these aggravating moments.
COLUMN: How To Happily Breeze Past Negative People
Whether your man hasn’t popped the question yet or you’re in between jobs, here’s how to cope with those annoying questions we’re all faced with when we head home for the holidays:
1. “When are you finally getting married?”
There’s nothing quite like being asked this question in front of the entire holiday gathering or worse, right in front of your boyfriend. Can you say awkward? This question really hits a nerve if you yourself are wondering when the heck your guy is going to propose (grrr).
How to handle it: It’s all-too-easy to blow up at the nosy person asking you about your marital plans. Take the high road rather than tossing out a sarcastic comment that will make the next six hours go by painfully slowly.
2. “When are you giving us grandkids?”
When you got married, you probably thought you’d be off the hook when it came to those irritating questions you faced at holiday gatherings, but nope—almost immediately after you say, “I do,” parents and other family members start to hint and then harp about when you’re having children.
How to handle it: If you’re trying to conceive (whether or not you and your partner have been struggling with infertility) and feel like sharing, you can just say, “We’re trying” with a smile and leave it at that. It’s really no one else’s business but yours. “Your answer could be, ‘I don’t know’ or ‘you’ll be the first to know’ and then change the subject,” suggests psychologist and life coach Pauline Wallin, Ph.D. “You don’t want to get into ‘why are you always asking that?’ which will make everyone around you uncomfortable.”
Not yet ready to be a parent? Kubiak recommends saying: “We need some time together as a couple. Once we have children, we will be parents for the rest of our lives, so we want to make sure we’re ready to do that.”
Or you may have financial issues or life goals you want to reach before becoming a parent. In that case, you can explain that you want to hold off until your partner finishes school or you get a promotion so you’re in a better position financially, suggests Kubiak. Both are situations that are hard to argue with.
3. “When are you getting a real job/promoted?”
Anyone who has ever pursued a less-than-stable career (actors, musicians, tightrope-walkers) much to the chagrin of their family has been hit with the “get a real job” jab—and if they’re not saying it out loud, they’re probably thinking it. Even though the question is incredibly poorly worded, it usually comes from a place of concern.
How to handle it: If you’re being badgered about a promotion that hasn’t come yet or a lackluster job, focus on the positives. “A lot of people are unemployed now,” says Kubiak. “I’d say, ‘As you know, this is a very challenging job situation, and I’m just very thankful that I do have a job. It’s not an ideal one, but it’s always easier to look for a job when you’re in one. I’m trying to do the best job I can and am keeping my eyes open.’”
Pursuing a career you love that’s less than lucrative? Share your game plan. “Provide them with a concrete plan, such as ‘I’m going to try this for two years and if I can’t show that I have some leads in that time, such as landing a commercial, then I’ll start doing other things,’” suggests Sbarra.
4. “Why don’t you eat meat?”
This question can come from two distinctly different places—either they’re truly curious as to what led you to become a vegetarian or else it’s a passive-aggressive verbal jab from the cook, aka “I slaved in the kitchen for two solid days and you’re not going to eat my delicious turkey from my beloved grandmother’s recipe?”
How to handle it: Try to judge the hidden meaning. If the person isn’t close to you, they may just want to get to know you better. In that case, you can simply respond: “’It’s a personal choice I made,’” suggests Wallin. If they ask you to elaborate, feel free to briefly share your reasoning. “My response is, ‘I don’t eat tortured animals,’” says Sbarra. “But you could say there are a lot of really good reasons not to eat meat and if you want me to email you some information I’d be happy to do so.”
5. “Did you gain some weight?”
It doesn’t get much ruder than this. The close cousin (and passive-aggressive version) of this question is: “Are you sure you should eat that?” This is, of course, asked just as you’re about to dig into your second helping of apple pie a la mode and within earshot of everyone at the party. Ugh.
How to handle it: Your first instinct may be to deck the person instead of decking the halls or say a cutting remark in return (“Why don’t you have another cocktail, Aunt Sarah—or is the Betty Ford Center picking you up soon?”). But do you really want to create a scene that only makes matters worse and incredibly uncomfortable? We don’t think so. Instead, if you have a healthy dose of self-confidence, laugh it off. “Humor is always a good way to diffuse the situation, such as ‘Ah, that explains why I was having trouble fitting into my dress!’” says Kubiak. And then walk away with your tasty slice of pie. Adds Wallin: “When you deflect with humor you are taking control of the situation and cooling it down. It means you don’t have to feel backed into a corner.”
5 Annoying Questions Your Family Will Probably Ask & How to Handle Them
