Dos and Don’ts: 10 things you might want to keep in mind while in Lagos

Whether you live in Lagos, you’re visiting or you intend staying here for a short while; here are a few things you’ll want to keep in mind for as long as you’re here.

1    While driving if you get stopped by a LASTMA official especially when you think you are lost or you might have          accidentally taken “one-way” don’t ever imagine that the officer will point you to the right direction                    especially after he has gotten into your vehicle. No matter how sympathetic he may seem, the odds are that instead of pointing you to the right direction he’ll deceive you into driving to a police station. Best thing to do: DEPRESS YOUR CAR BUTTONS BEFORE HE GETS IN.

2   This might sound crazy but if you ever get bumped or run into while walking on the streets of Lagos and you think the incident was rather awkward or premeditated, the first things you probably want to check for are your genitals, not your wallet (absolutely true).

3    If you ever see an almost empty bus whose conductor is shouting “one chance” or whose passengers are mostly young guys, do yourself a favor: FIND ANOTHER BUS TO ENTER.

4    If anyone approaches you while you’re on the road and uses any of these lines:

Please help me I just came from Ghana (no offence to Ghanaians, the people that do this are actually Nigerians) and I need some money if you just follow me…

Please I want to start a business and I need some money……

If you give me XYZ naira, I will double it in x days

JUST START RUNNING…

5     Should an armed robbery take place near a police station, the worst place to be in or near is that police station, because the robbers will most likely baptize the police station with showers of gunfire before they even commence their raid.

6     If you see a hawker at your door and you’re not sure exactly how to pronounce the Yoruba word “AJE” please don’t bother saying it.

7     It’s safer to be on the same road with a drunk, speeding lorry driver than a speeding police patrol vehicle. Avoid them as much as you can.

8      Never make a purchase from an Igbo guy if you’re not certain of what you’re buying. If the product is not genuine, the best you’ll get is a replacement; once the money is in his hands, you can never get it back.

9      Never ever disturb or attempt to join a convoy that you are not a part of, you will most likely regret it.

10   Never fight with a conductor over change especially if it’s less than N50, even if he loses 5 teeth and you lose just one tooth, he is still the winner.

If you know anything interesting you think should be added, please share.