No one WANTS to be controlled.
Control issues can create a lot of problems in a relationship. In fact, many relationships and marriages have ended because one partner decides he/she is sick of having his/her every move controlled. When control issues surface in a relationship, they inevitably turn into major disagreements.
No one likes to feel they have lost control of their own life and are at the mercy of someone else in every area, and control issues can impact a relationship on all levels. Here are some telltale signs the person you’re married to or dating is controlling:
Maintains tight control of money and forces spouse to ask for household budget
Always has last word about children
Decides how couple will socialize
Makes all purchasing decisions
Controls how spare time is spent
Controlling behavior can often grow and turn into a form of abuse over time. One of the traits of an abuser is the need to have power and control over the spouse. Sometimes the controller begins exerting this power in small ways and the control grows over time.
A partner who feels controlled may respond in different ways: one might actively resist control, while the other might become submissive.
Suffocating The Relationship
Controlling behavior can literally suffocate a relationship. Relationships are partnership that should focus on the needs of both through compromise — when one partner controls the life of another, only one person’s needs are being met. It doesn’t take long for the relationship to begin to disintegrate under these circumstances.
Changing Is NOT Easy
Changing controlling behavior is not easy. First, you have to make the person doing the controlling aware of the fact their behaviors are unacceptable and why. You need your partner to understand that you are not going to let them have the power of control over every aspect of your life. Someone can only have control over you if you let them.
Talking About Control
When you approach your partner to discuss the control issues, it is important to begin without anger or resentment showing. If you express negative emotions from the beginning, the odds of having a productive conversation are slim. Instead, you should choose one situation and talk about it and only it. You don’t want to start hurling accusations or threaten to leave or make it clear you are not budging on any issue. You want to show your partner how compromise can work in the relationship, which negates the need for control.
When a person has a controlling nature, it can often turn into a battle of wills between him/her and his/her partner. But it does NOT need to be that way.
When someone is showing controlling signs, you should respond with patience but make it clear you are not going to have every your every move controlled. You don’t have to scream or yell, but can simply follow through with your own plan when you believe it is right.
Any discussion of control must make mention of the fact that a relationship should never become abusive. If your partner is becoming abusive, seek coaching or counseling right away.
If your partner won’t attend coaching, or counseling sessions, go on your own. This sends a loud and clear message that you are aware of the efforts of your partner to control your life and you are not going to just let it happen.
When you and your partner began your relationship together, it was with the belief that love and compassion would enable you to share a partnership. When one partner makes an effort to control every move, it is a violation of the trust you have placed in the relationship. With coaching or counseling and plenty of communication, the issue of control can be addressed.
It is important to deal with the matter as soon as possible too because most people with controlling natures are not going to change without intervention.
